Have you ever felt like you needed something more in life and someone deeper as a friend?
Read the personal reflections from excerpts of "Friend Notes" describing a crucial way to meet this deeply felt but often unmet need - especially for men. Or click on the sidebar for more in-depth descriptions of the foundations for a "Covenant for Personal and Spiritual Growth." [And you can order the book, One Man's Heart]
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“FRIEND NOTES”
This is an occasional letter offering ideas, stories and practical ways to discover:
“something more and some one deeper” for personal and spiritual growth.
Thanks for taking the time to read and reflect on your journey!
Summer 2009
I’d like you to read the text of a talk given to a men’s group by my best friend, Rob Linner. He has been with me as a “soul friend” through the discipline of a “Covenant Friendship” for over thirty years! Beside my wife, Kathy, Rob has had the most influence on my personal and spiritual growth for all these years. We want to share our experiences in the hope they may be of benefit to other “pilgrims” on their journeys of faith. Here’s what Rob had to say:
A Message to Men about the Covenant
Introduction:
Rob Linner is President and Chief Operating Officer of E. A. Sween Company based in Eden Prairie, MN. E. A. Sween manufactures and distributes Deli Express sandwiches and is the number one selling sandwich to the convenience store industry. They have a dream that every on the go American will enjoy a Deli Express sandwich every day. Today they sell sandwiches in 25, 000 retail outlets in every state with over 750 employees.
Rob is married and they have three daughters, Rob has had a covenant friendship with Gary Downing for the past 30+ years and is here to talk to us about male friendship based on our common Christian faith.
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We are here to talk about male friendship and to consider the possibility of a best friend in Christ. I believe God intended us to walk 2 by 2. One in our relationship with Christ, two in our relationship with our spouse and three in a committed Christ centered friendship with another man. As you listen to this message I would encourage you to think of the person God puts on your heart and consider asking that friend to move your friendship to a deeper level, one in which God can help you deal with the tough issues of life, the issues of sex, money and power. I want to tell you of two such friendships I have with my friends Gary Downing and Jim Mattson.
Clearly our most important relationship is with God the Father through his Son Jesus Christ. Through Christ’s act of taking our sins to the cross we can approach the Father. This relationship is dependent upon faith. We all have the opportunity to decide if this is just a story or the truth. Nicodemus wondered the same when he came to Jesus in the night as recorded in John 3:3. Jesus said we must be born again, that flesh gives birth to flesh and the spirit to the spirit. He went on to say in verse 16 that God so loved the world (you and me) that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Further in John 17:3 Jesus said that this is eternal life, that they (us) may know you the only true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. In other words, eternal life is knowing the Father and Jesus Christ whom He has sent. It is a relationship that is based upon our belief, our faith. I do believe that Jesus Christ is in fact who He says He is and have given Him my life. This relationship is the most important relationship in my life.
In John 16:33 Jesus said, “I have told you these things so that in me you many have peace. In this world you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world.”
To face the troubles of this world we place our hope in Christ and we look to the relationships he gives us to stand up to the troubles of this world. First of all for many of us he gives us the relationship of our wife. In fact he says that in the covenant of marriage the two shall become one. This relationship not only provides us with children it becomes the rock of our society and culture. The family unit built around the marriage bond is the basic unit of our society. God honors our marriage and gives us a relationship that builds us up and makes us whole. Elizabeth and I have been married for 22+ years and it continues to grow in ways I could never have imagined when we entered into this covenant those many years ago.
On a trip to Madison to see Jane, our then twelve year old, dance in a competition we listened to the book that, Men are from Mars and Women from Venus, on tape. Among other things we learned that while powerfully attracted to each other there are keen differences between us. On Venus they like to talk about things with little need to solve them. On Mars we have a limited amount of words and like to get to a solution quickly. We are different and yet when we learn the needs of each other we cannot only co-exist we can flourish. I can learn to listen better and she can learn to appreciate when I need to retreat to my cave and just have some quiet. However we learn to work together God clearly intends this to be our most important relationship with another person here on this earth.
God does intend us to have friends to help in our walk on this earth and it is here that I would like to direct our talk for this morning. There is a phrase that says, chose friends with care, we become what they are. I am grateful to God that I chose my friends Gary and Jim. Today as I say this, however, I realize that God is the one who brought these guys into my life. Proverbs 18:24 says that there are “friends closer than a brother.” When we look at the scriptures we see how God gave David, Jonathan, Ruth, Naomi and Paul and Barnabas to name a few. Ecclesiastes 6:16 says, “A faithful friend is the medicine of life. “
In Luke 10 when Jesus sent his disciples and followers out into the world he sent them 2 by 2. He wants us to have a friend who is closer than a brother. One with whom we can deal with the tough issues of life. Where do you go when you find yourself preoccupied with thoughts of lust for another woman? With whom to talk to about the financial bind you find yourself in? Who helps you take apart the impact you are having on others when you wield your power at the office or within your sphere of influence?
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 10:13, “…no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. “
When you are able to openly discuss these types of issues in the light of day, in the openness of a friendship based on your common faith in Jesus, the darkness is beaten. Jesus says, “When two or more are gathered in my name, then I am there.” This is the friendship Jesus wants us to have.
Now yes, I am able to discuss these types of issues with Elizabeth, my wife, however, some are tough ones to take apart together. If I find myself having thoughts of lust for a woman at the office I am not sure Liz can deal with this objectively and yet if I let these thoughts go unchecked, and remain in the recesses of my mind I provide a foot hold for the devil to take charge. Evil cannot stand in the light of Christ and it is here that our friendships come in.
We need to talk more to each other. We need a forum where we can take apart issues such as these. A place where we are not judged, where we can be transparent. Ecclesiastes 6:16 says, “A faithful friend is the medicine of life.” Aristotle said, “What is a friend but a single soul dwelling in two bodies.” It is the Holy Spirit that indwells the believer and the one that unites us in friendship and provides the light to crush the darkness of such thoughts and potential actions that want to bring us down.
Gary Downing is one such friend for me. In the fall of 1978 after having met in 1976 as volunteers on a Young Life ministry team at West High School in Minneapolis, Gary and I agreed for the next year we would pray for each other every day, intentionally get together and keep a journal which we would share on a regular basis. Men, when you have a friend that you lift before the Lord every day your relationship goes to a new level. I pray for my wife Elizabeth and our three daughters every day and have since they were born and I have done the same for Gary since that day we agreed to do this some 30+ years ago. Gary and I actually made a covenant with each other that day that we would do this for one year and at the end of the year we would talk about it and see if we wanted to renew the covenant for another year. Well we have continued to do so and it has made a real difference in my life.
We are clearly two different people from two different backgrounds. The Reverend Dr. Gary W. Downing was the lead pastor at Rochester Covenant Church in Rochester, Minnesota. He attended the Naval Academy in Annapolis to be a navy pilot when God called him into the ministry. He attended Bethel College, Hebrew University in Jerusalem, Bethel Seminary and Luther Seminary. He has a Masters of Divinity and a Doctor of Ministry; he pastored a congregation, and is a published author. I, on the other hand, am a sandwich salesman.
While coming from different backgrounds we have come to see how the issues of life are common to man. You see, we need to talk with each other more. We need to have some place in our busy lives where we can be transparent, open and honest in a way that strengthens our walk with Christ, our marriage, our family, our work and our relationship with the church. Without this level of dialogue, or without the perspective of a ‘best friend’ in Christ we miss out on one of the best tools at our disposal to stand up to the temptations of the world especially as it relates to sex, money and power.
Again I want to encourage you to see who God is placing on your heart to consider this new level of friendship.
Practically with Gary many miles away, we continue to pray for each other daily. We will talk on the phone on occasion and keep a journal which we share when we intentionally get together, maybe a dozen times a year for a meal or an overnight retreat. You cannot imagine the depth of dialogue after these years and the freedom to be transparent. I know when I call Gary or email him with a prayer request or need that he will pray and that I can know with confidence that God is aware of my plight.
There is the story of the one who makes it to heaven and is talking with God and asks which prayer is it Lord that made the difference? And God points to the tree and says which leaf is it that is giving us shade? George Herbert is quoted as saying, “When a friend asks there is no tomorrow.” So it is with Gary. I know he would be there if I needed him and him with me. Your relationship with another does change when you pray for them each day. Ecclesiastes 9:10 rings true, “Forsake not an old friend; for the new is not comparable to him: a new friend is as new wine; when it is old, thou shalt drink it with pleasure.”
Jim Mattson is another such friend for me. Jim’s business partner died suddenly of a faulty heart valve when he was 36. We are now 50+. Steve, Jim’s partner, was a friend of mine from our years at Gustavus Adolphus College. After Steve’s death Jim and I began to get together at the local athletic club. We would do some cardio exercise, lift weights and then hike around the track where we would pray together. While we did this 3 times a week we now continue to meet every Monday morning to start the week in prayer with a little sweat. This is another relationship built around prayer and intentionally getting together. As our friend Bob Dunbar, who convenes men’s groups says, “If you want to be together you’ve got to get together.”
I told Jim last Monday about this talk and he told me that our Monday morning workout, prayer and friendship have been one of the key relationships in his life. Jim owns a food brokerage business and has been a group leader in Bible Study Fellowship and now Community Bible Study. He is married to Anne and they have two daughters. On that track on Monday mornings we have been able to confess to each other and pray for each other and seek guidance from each other on many difference issues as we enter the week. That prayer and transparent relationship built on our common faith in Jesus has been another way in which God speaks to me here on earth. The issues are common to all of us men. The tough ones center on our use of power, our use of money and the temptations of sex. We need to have the relationship where these issues can be discussed openly, honestly in the light of Christ.
Let me close by saying this is not a daunting task to begin this type of a friendship. Many of you in this room may have such a relationship and can share your stories and reinforce the power that God has for such candid friendships. All of us have friends. Not all of our friends or even ourselves have placed our faith in Christ. That is first, to reconcile our relationship with Jesus, not with the church or with the Bible or with religion but with Jesus. We need to know that He is the living God and the only way I know to do this is to ask Him into our lives and to give him the controls and begin this relationship with the living God, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. It is a personal decision and one that only we can make as individuals.
Equipped with this relationship we have friends who too have a relationship with Jesus. Ask this friend if he would be willing to do three things for the next year, 1) pray daily for you as you will pray for him, 2) intentionally get together with some frequency and 3) keep a journal that you each would be willing to share throughout this year. At the end of the year decide if this is something you want to continue.
You know at the end of the book of John in chapter 21 verse 22 John says that Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name. Well there are 7 miracles recorded in John. They are changing the water to wine, healing the officials son, healing the cripple at the pool, feeding the 5,000, healing the man born blind, walking on water and raising Lazarus from the dead. While we know these as such miraculous signs and big events they happened at one point in time in an everyday setting that we enter into all the time,
Consider these settings, at a wedding, in the park, on the street or visiting someone’s home. Every day places in the routines of everyday life. Do we know when such a miracle could happen in our life? It is why it is important to pray for each other each day. Prayer to God, for our families and for our friend orients our day to the possibilities of the Spirit. We are His and want to be used by Him for His purpose.
I read Pat Conroy’s book, My Losing Season. It is a great book. This guy has such a way with the English language. He has a line that says, “It never occurred to me a single time in the year I am writing about that I was in the dead center of living out my own life, accruing the experiences and gathering the raw materials to form the only life I was ever going to have.”
Keeping a journal and sharing it with a friend or spouse is one of the ways I know to gain perspective of how God is moving in our life. I am a lousy journal keeper, yet in the few and poorly written entries I have over the past 30 years because of my covenant friendship with Gary, I am able to see the loving hand of God in my everyday life. It is a powerful tool and one I encourage you to take advantage of.
And finally you have to be intentional about getting together. Life is moving at a good pace and the list of activities from family and work can choke off the time we need to be with a friend. Set your time around a meal, or a work out or a day of golf or fishing. You have to prioritize this relationship, not at the expense of family but to enhance family. You will be a better person because of the forum a best friend in Christ offers you.
There is a phrase on a poster in our home that Liz and I got when we were first married. We met training for marathons so we spent a lot of time running together. The poster is a black and white sketch of two figures running and the phrase says, “When you are running a race and someone appears running with you, the distance fades, neither of you does anything different but you both run a better race.”
God intended us to walk two by two. We need to talk with each other in open and honest ways. A covenant friendship is one of the best ways I know. I encourage you to ask a friend if they will be willing to give such a relationship a try this year. Thank you and may God bless you on your way.
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COVENANT VOWS FOR A MINISTRY PARTNERSHIP
To deal Biblically with the issues of being Christians in today’s society
VOW #1 - SACRIFICE: Dealing with sexual expression
We commit ourselves to being people who love God, our bodies and others as people, not objects. We want to be noble, responsible and committed in our relationships. We recognize that only God can meet our deepest needs. We are willing to be accountable to be examples of a Spirit-controlled expression of love in our family, fellowship and friendship relationships.
VOW #2 - STEWARDSHIP: Dealing with money
We commit ourselves to a positive use of the time, talents and treasures God gives us. We realize that we co not own anything. We strive not to let anything control or enslave us. We will place our security in God and dedicate our lives to witness and service for Jesus in the world.
VOW #3 - SUBMISSION: Dealing with power
We commit ourselves to growth in our spirituality and ministry. We are willing to be accountable for our study, prayer, fellowship, worship and ministry. We want to find ways to express our unity in Christ through all our relationships. We affirm our reliance on God’s Spirit to be the integral force in our lives helping us to be a living expression of God’s love.
Resources:
ONE MAN’S HEART, Dealing with the Masculine Spirit, Rev. Dr. Gary W. Downing. You can order this 197 page paperback book for US$13.95 (includes S & H in USA) by sending your check or money order to : GARY DOWNING c/o CenterPoint Society, 1630 Reaney Av, St. Paul, MN 55106-4227 USA.
To learn more about a "soul friend" Covenant Friendship also visit the website:
For Summer 2010 - click on - "Jesus was NOT a Servant Leader!"